Phone blogging...

Now I really think I'm turning mad... While on the bus on the way home today, I swished out my trusty phone and started... blogging. 6 smses long while standing and I saved it after that in the Saved Text Messages. I was feverishly typing out the message with my left hand's thumb and people on the bus were like O.O and what the heck is this guy doing occasionally smiling to himself? Now, even people think I'm mad. This blogging message actually came out because I felt really really horrible today... Because of something I was tasked to do by one of my superiors, I complicated a lot of matters for some of my friends. And I felt really bad for doing this to them... Really pathetic right? Chastising thyself?...

"I feel so horrible sometimes... Sometimes to the point where I can actually get sick. Why? Due to unknown reasons other than my own ludicrous paranoia and my ridiculous high work drive, up to the point where I can actually still go to work despite being sick. A sick workaholic, that's what I am. I feel so unfulfilled and not right when I don't feel tired at the end of the day. Seriously, and the thing is that I usually and inevitably drag people down with me. Which is really not fair when you think of it because it's ultimately me and not them who's supposed to be tired. Sigh. Maybe I'm a sadist I don't know but something tells me that something's not right with me. Seriously speaking."

And the continuation ensues...

I don't know... I feel so weird when I'm not at camp nowadays. During weekends and when I'm on off. I don't even know why... And something won't feel right if I don't feel tired at the end of the day. I never take a rest in the afternoons when everyone does and I stay in the office as much as possible to accomplish as much work as possible when everyone else is resting. Sigh. I'm mad. And I do feel that if I don't do work, I'll be disappointing someone out there. It could be a colleague in the department. It could be a superior. Or it could just be me. I will always always try to volunteer for everything if possible, even if I'm freaking really tired.

Take school for example. My parents never actually pressured me to study hard, they always tell me to just try my best. But deep inside, I feel that if I don't get stellar results, I will disappoint them a lot. Which is why I was so disappointed with my History A Level results... I put in so much effort but sigh...

I don't know why I'm like this but I always feel the urge to do work ALL the time... if possible without stop. And I keep volunteering for everything I'm asked to do... I don't know why. Suggestions anyone...? Before I turn into a full-fledged workaholic and later on as a nerdy non-stop studying student in uni later...

Blogging on my Diary...

I seriously think that I'm turning mad nowadays. I've started blogging in my diary (of sorts)... Does that even make sense? Anyway, here are 2 entries I started writing on 27 Sept while in my bunk alone, questioning my existence as usual.

"I feel so incredibly lonely sometimes... I think I'm turning reclusive. I can't believe I still find it so hard to join others in conversation. And keep myself interested. My dept prob just thinks that I'm a cranky moody bastard who's always out to get them. I admit I do seem obsessive sometimes esp when something needs to get done. But I also care a lot about fairness. It's not fair when someone gets chosen to do so many many things but others are not. Why? Because they've been here so much longer and can afford to siam. I don't understand this mentality. And it's apparently only me. Think I'll be stuck working even when everyone else has stopped. And that's usually the case here... Sigh. I'm so dumb."

(10.52pm on 27 Sept 2005)

"My department is so incredibly varied that I'm not sure whether I can tahan all of them anymore. For one, there's this guy..."

(1.22am on 27 Sept 2005)

And I shall leave it at that. I do not want to be found accused of slander so use your imagination guys... :P

Les Imbéciles (Qui est-il ou Qui sont-ils?)

Crap... Crap... Crap... That's what I've been feeling like for this week and the week before. The attachment out to an external camp was the base for the cake... the thing that's made from flour. God... I have no idea what the thing's called!!! - shows you how much I know about food. I just know that it goes in and that I'll eat more if I like it :P Anyway, the attachment just really truly sucked. Coming into camp early, starting work bloody early - as in immediately upon arrival and ending bloody late every single bloody day. Yesterday, I reached home at 10+... Same thing for today. Thank God it's finally over... I really hated that camp. It had a certain vibe about it that didn't quite agree with me and the ppl there were just sigh... kinda different. I really didn't like the people there... the environment... basically everything.

I really felt like a second class citizen over there, continuously and incessantly being scrutinized by the personnel over there. I realize that I didn't talk a snitch to anyone from that camp at all, being unfriendly as they were. And that exploration of the facilities of the camp consisted of walking from our designated rest area to the cookhouse or to the canteen. And whereever I went with my camp mates, we would be observed from a distance by someone from the camp - scrutinized from head to toe, perhaps a kind of reminder that we were outsiders and that we didn't belong in that camp and should not treat the camp like what we did back in our own camp. I really hate that feeling. And some would actually point at us and say something behind our backs... Sigh. I really am dumb. An imbecile. To let stupid trivial things like this bother me. Or is it them who are imbeciles? Hence the title... Sigh. Stupid idiotic me. :(

And even in an external camp - our humble hq company is much maligned. So much so that we are always seen as weaklings... the unfit ones who do not scramble in the mud and always doing admin work. Which is basically not work in the eyes of those who are involved in the combat side of the SAF. It really is getting on my nerves - and today was the worst. Granted that it was the last day of the exhibition - we really were looking forward to booking out since we would not returning to the camp ever again. Me and my dept mates went up to get our bags from our resting area and came down first because the other guys were taking their time to come down. Resting a while upstairs. Upon arrival to the agreed meeting place however, we were accused (albeit in a joking manner) that we were down first because the rest were cleaning up the place and we were not helping them. Sigh... The accusations that hq must endure... Really really fucking irritating.

And something stood out for me today. And really made me feel pissed for a while. Someone told me to hurry up with the work because get this "I have a life - it's Friday night - unlike you". I hate hate hate it when people start passing judgements on MY FUCKING LIFE. It is my life. I can do whatever I want with it. I can choose not to go out on a Friday, a Saturday or even a Sunday. I can choose to stay in when I don't feel like going home. I can choose to eat shit if I so prefer too which I don't see ever happening but u guys get the idea... It really really hurts me whenever people say that I don't have a life - it invalidates my very existence and thus negates my purpose in living at all. Should I then cease to exist and choose to end my life? No 2 people lead the same lives. I choose my path, you choose yours. Agreed?

Keeping on track though - the ultimate icing on the cake was the Army Half Marathon 21 km run on 11 Sept. Sucked through and through. Worst part was that we had to book in on Saturday evening, sleep at 8pm, wake up at 3am to have breakfast and leave by bus at 4am to reach the padang at about 5+. Really hated the fact that the whole weekend was wasted like this. The run though wasn't bad! :P Me and my bud ran all the way till the 17km mark and I suddenly felt this sudden surge of the total loss of energy from my body. It was so unexpected and I suddenly felt super freaking tired. My bud too was having problems with his legs and feet so we decided to walk the remainder all the way to the end. But the run was a great test of endurance and determination I thought... This simply means that I would have to run more in the future with further distances :) But this does not make the AHM a positive thing - I still hated the fact that it took up my whole weekend. Also, I was limping on Monday and Tuesday, barely able to walk with a sharp pain on both my knees and my left foot hurt like hell. Luckily everything was ok by Wednesday :P

Sidenote : Evanescence really makes a great companion cd to listen to at the end of an incredibly crappy day. The emotions conveyed through the really touching lyrics and great music can really strike a chord in you... Seriously. I was walking home from the bus stop alone in the dark and was listening to "Hello". Very poignant song.

Anyway... The 2 sucky weeks have finally ended. Thank God! Looking forward to coming back to good ole Jurong Camp and seeing familiar faces. The atmosphere and the people. Sigh... Till next...

Unvoiced Lamentations...

Sigh... I'm damn tired. Damn damn tired. It's only been the 2nd day and I'm already feeling the toll on my body... Sigh. Why oh why did I volunteer for such a stupid thing? But it's just very me to not say no... "Can you help me?" Me: "Of course!" or "Alrighty then!" or "Yup!", all sounding very very enthusiastic without a hint of fatigue and coupled most of the time with a smile when I can force one out of my mouth... Sometimes I feel so damn dumb all the time... Like a duped naive idiot always willing to help others whenever it is asked for. Sigh... What on earth can change me?

Also, some people can so really really get on my freaking nerves sometimes... It really does take a lot of patience to handle certain people...

Sigh... Just too tired to write a proper entry. Will write a longer one tomorrow... Au revoir