Random Ramblings...
I am so tired. I really am. It's not so much of physical exhaustion, mor of my mind's pretty crapped up at the moment. I am leaving for Taiwan in what 2 weeks and I still have so so much to do in the office.
Like today. I was on the dept outing in the morning @ East Coast, hoping to have a great day in the sun rollerblading and laughing with the dept I love and care so much about. Then, the dreaded W word appears out of nowhere and slams me right on the face with a tight tight slap. So tight that I couldn't even be bothered to blade after that - no mood. I mean I told OM (OM will henceforth be known as the person who is in control of the office and everything that happens within - I'm pretty sure u guys know who he is) the day before we left for the outing that since we will be out and that there's no duty storeman, I wanted to write a note to this company saying that we won't be around to collect any indents that may arrive via milkrun. He bloody knew about it. Then this last minute thing comes up that the indent has to be distributed on this very bloody day: the day of the outing. And I can feel that he's blaming me that this thing got up to OC level. I am damn pissed at OM. So pissed that I am glad I am robbing him of 2 more people to order around in the office and I am glad that I am leaving the office for a month.
This smiling thing too is beginning to feel like a burden though it comes so naturally. It's who I am. But when I'm suffering so much from so many many things happening around me, it's really hard to smile sometimes. Work's piling up so high that I am beginning to see that nothing short of a miracle can accomplish all that's been set to be done. Yesterday's meeting just left me totally flabbergasted. At department level - I can understand. But extending it to company level and setting a dateline that's just too close for any comfort at all... It's just... A herculean effort. And the stress level's really high. Together with the tension. I can sense definite tension between my buddy and his understudy. They are like opposing forces and it looks set to continue that way. It's becoming really exhausting just being in the office.
And I still have tons of scholarship applications to complete plus testimonials to obtain from my past teachers plus the rescheduling of any interviews required plus application for financial aid. And everything's gonna be processed while I'm not here in Singapore. Any interviews scheduled and I won't be around. How fun is that? It's really beginning to stress me a lot...
Plus, I need to make sure that my understudy's ok with everything that he needs to know before I leave him at the mercy of OM and all the CQs and the OCs. Hopefully he'll do ok. :) I have high hopes for him and his colleague-in-arms.
And I haven't even packed anything yet... At all! I'm prepared mentally to accomplish all the tasks set for the exercise but at home and at work, there are so many many things to settle before I go. The trip I took last Dec was ok because I was only away for 2 weeks plus... But this one is a month plus. Plus, I will be clearing almost immediately after returning from Taiwan. There's so much shit to clear...
Nothing is making me happy at the moment. Nothing. I have to find that one thing that can make me happy but at the moment, nothing is making me any bit happy. Even listening to music is not helping. Home is equally stressful and just being at home makes me want to bolt out for the office. But being in the office conjures up the same feeling as well... If I can't find refuge in either place, where on earth am I supposed to go to? Totally disappear? I can't even go to the movies nowadays, seeing it being totally pointless - I know it will be interrupted by some other event.
Maybe it's just me who's complaining about all these things. Perhaps these things don't even exist. I probably created all these problems myself in my head and they somehow materialised in the most solid form possible. I do that at times. Imagine things that are not there. Am I ok in the head?
But I really am looking forward to the rainbow which appears after a storm - my university education. I really cannot wait for it to begin. But I know that I want to be challenged in Uni. Which is why the strong consideration for the Business and Law Double Degree thing in NUS and the Monash application for Arts and Law Double Degree popped up. I want to do so many many things to prove to everyone that looks down on me that I can do it... Those people who think that I'm a social outcast just by looking at me on the train or on the bus. How awkward that I'm unable to assimilate seamlessly into the teenage crowd. That I'm not a useless piece of crap that society can leave at the corner of a street and totally ignore. That everyone will not look down upon. I managed to start that from a family level - being the first to be formally accepted on academic grounds into a Uni. That's a big achievement in my family. Really. And it feels great to have successfully accomplished that.
But a good friend of mine once told me that it's not good that one does something just to prove something. One must have the passion and desire to do the thing before embarking on the task. But all my life has been about challenging people. I only took my own path in JC when I chose to take the Arts rather than the Sciences. My interests only lie in the arts so it was a natural choice to choose the arts. Teachers didn't think I would even pass my science subjects in secondary school. I did. Teachers who thought that I would bring down the whole school's reputation for failing Malay lit. And I got an A for that. People who laughed in my face when I told them that I wanted to go to RI after PSLE. People who thought I would never come out of BMT alive. I did. I want to have the satisfaction of knowing that I exceeded someone's lowly expectations and that it was totally unexpected. It's a nice feeling of superiority. Maybe... It's this superiority complex that I'm suffering from? Dang... Why am I speaking so randomly today? Complaining to no one in particular... Sigh...
I so want to be in Montréal right now, buried deep in the snow where no one can ever find me. Lost under my Fugly snowman in Montréal. Just me and Fugly. That was such a great moment.
Like today. I was on the dept outing in the morning @ East Coast, hoping to have a great day in the sun rollerblading and laughing with the dept I love and care so much about. Then, the dreaded W word appears out of nowhere and slams me right on the face with a tight tight slap. So tight that I couldn't even be bothered to blade after that - no mood. I mean I told OM (OM will henceforth be known as the person who is in control of the office and everything that happens within - I'm pretty sure u guys know who he is) the day before we left for the outing that since we will be out and that there's no duty storeman, I wanted to write a note to this company saying that we won't be around to collect any indents that may arrive via milkrun. He bloody knew about it. Then this last minute thing comes up that the indent has to be distributed on this very bloody day: the day of the outing. And I can feel that he's blaming me that this thing got up to OC level. I am damn pissed at OM. So pissed that I am glad I am robbing him of 2 more people to order around in the office and I am glad that I am leaving the office for a month.
This smiling thing too is beginning to feel like a burden though it comes so naturally. It's who I am. But when I'm suffering so much from so many many things happening around me, it's really hard to smile sometimes. Work's piling up so high that I am beginning to see that nothing short of a miracle can accomplish all that's been set to be done. Yesterday's meeting just left me totally flabbergasted. At department level - I can understand. But extending it to company level and setting a dateline that's just too close for any comfort at all... It's just... A herculean effort. And the stress level's really high. Together with the tension. I can sense definite tension between my buddy and his understudy. They are like opposing forces and it looks set to continue that way. It's becoming really exhausting just being in the office.
And I still have tons of scholarship applications to complete plus testimonials to obtain from my past teachers plus the rescheduling of any interviews required plus application for financial aid. And everything's gonna be processed while I'm not here in Singapore. Any interviews scheduled and I won't be around. How fun is that? It's really beginning to stress me a lot...
Plus, I need to make sure that my understudy's ok with everything that he needs to know before I leave him at the mercy of OM and all the CQs and the OCs. Hopefully he'll do ok. :) I have high hopes for him and his colleague-in-arms.
And I haven't even packed anything yet... At all! I'm prepared mentally to accomplish all the tasks set for the exercise but at home and at work, there are so many many things to settle before I go. The trip I took last Dec was ok because I was only away for 2 weeks plus... But this one is a month plus. Plus, I will be clearing almost immediately after returning from Taiwan. There's so much shit to clear...
Nothing is making me happy at the moment. Nothing. I have to find that one thing that can make me happy but at the moment, nothing is making me any bit happy. Even listening to music is not helping. Home is equally stressful and just being at home makes me want to bolt out for the office. But being in the office conjures up the same feeling as well... If I can't find refuge in either place, where on earth am I supposed to go to? Totally disappear? I can't even go to the movies nowadays, seeing it being totally pointless - I know it will be interrupted by some other event.
Maybe it's just me who's complaining about all these things. Perhaps these things don't even exist. I probably created all these problems myself in my head and they somehow materialised in the most solid form possible. I do that at times. Imagine things that are not there. Am I ok in the head?
But I really am looking forward to the rainbow which appears after a storm - my university education. I really cannot wait for it to begin. But I know that I want to be challenged in Uni. Which is why the strong consideration for the Business and Law Double Degree thing in NUS and the Monash application for Arts and Law Double Degree popped up. I want to do so many many things to prove to everyone that looks down on me that I can do it... Those people who think that I'm a social outcast just by looking at me on the train or on the bus. How awkward that I'm unable to assimilate seamlessly into the teenage crowd. That I'm not a useless piece of crap that society can leave at the corner of a street and totally ignore. That everyone will not look down upon. I managed to start that from a family level - being the first to be formally accepted on academic grounds into a Uni. That's a big achievement in my family. Really. And it feels great to have successfully accomplished that.
But a good friend of mine once told me that it's not good that one does something just to prove something. One must have the passion and desire to do the thing before embarking on the task. But all my life has been about challenging people. I only took my own path in JC when I chose to take the Arts rather than the Sciences. My interests only lie in the arts so it was a natural choice to choose the arts. Teachers didn't think I would even pass my science subjects in secondary school. I did. Teachers who thought that I would bring down the whole school's reputation for failing Malay lit. And I got an A for that. People who laughed in my face when I told them that I wanted to go to RI after PSLE. People who thought I would never come out of BMT alive. I did. I want to have the satisfaction of knowing that I exceeded someone's lowly expectations and that it was totally unexpected. It's a nice feeling of superiority. Maybe... It's this superiority complex that I'm suffering from? Dang... Why am I speaking so randomly today? Complaining to no one in particular... Sigh...
I so want to be in Montréal right now, buried deep in the snow where no one can ever find me. Lost under my Fugly snowman in Montréal. Just me and Fugly. That was such a great moment.
posted by Raffli at 12:04 AM
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