I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies

This is the dawning of the rest of our lives

Green Day - Holiday

Exasperated

Lately, I have been feeling very strange... asking myself a lot of questions regarding my presence and function in my little department in my camp. Why? Because as of late, a lot of our ability to 'work' has been questioned by a lot of people. And these people purport that me and those in the team have never done work or even if we did, we never did it well. Fuck. I cannot stand it. I was like sitting in front of them in the office and they started questioning the function of having such a group in the department with no stores to handle themselves. It came from their very own mouths: we didn't do work. I was seething inside. I clenched my fists. I kept my mouth shut. I just left the group and sat alone at one corner of the office. And I started feeling miserable. It's been like this ever since we were given those 2 days of off by our superior... endless statements that we did not do work or we sucked at our jobs. Fuck. Shit. I couldn't stand it anymore that day. So much so that when everyone else had left the office, I started a little entry in my little shiny green book. To vent a bit of my anger... I shall transcript it here word for word.

"300505

There is a clear dichotomy in the department and it is one that I am totally helpless towards: the people who do 'work' and those who don't. Apparently, some people think I never ever do work, only lazing around thinking about mindless things such as what to do with my sordid and pitiful life. And how to whine and cry about it alone afterwards. It really disheartens me to the core; my heart felt a pain when I heard the very words coming from their own lips: that the 3 or 4 of us (I'm not sure if they resent this another particular person) have never done work, and even if we did, we never did it well or that we were only good from one thing: to delegate work to other people. Fuck. If the only definition of work was physical work plus the sweat flowing down our bodies, then I'd just say... FUCK!

We try so hard to put a good image of ourselves across to the others by becoming very friendly with them and not to ask too many favours of them lest they think we are shirking our responsibilities. We try asking them very very nicely when we need to check their stores as part of our rather vague job scopes; if they wanted us to do our full job, we would have to tear their stores upside down to find faults which they have to rectify THEMSELVES and in so doing, they would just have more work to do. The paradox is as such: if we do more work, so would they and it would always seem that we will be doing much less than them since we never actually handle the stores directly. Sigh. It's a really sad situation, that we are never able to redeem ourselves fully in their eyes. The only way to fully do so would be to prove ourselves during deployment exercises involving resup. Which will be pretty late: probably end of this year or next year in Taiwan. It's infuriating.And there really is this big bully who never ceases to point out that I an supposed to work as/for him though I am under clear and strict instructions not to since I have handed over to him. Maybe he resents me to the core since it was me who handed the appointment over to him. I dunno.

Once again, I feel that strange feeling that the whole world is against me. A tidal wave of intense opposition surging towards helpless, whiney, crybaby me. I love cheering up other people's days but when I'm done, no one does that for me. In fact, sometimes they bring me further down my emotional abyss, by taunting me and jeering at my insecurities. A smile on my face nowadays is but an empty façade, a shield against a cruel world with a vengeance against... me."

It's really becoming very tiring to even be in the office when so many people demand a validation of your very presence, nay EXISTENCE in the bloody department. And it's really tiring trying to defend yourself. I mean come on!!! I'm here. We're here. Deal with it. And we have our own job to do... you do yours, we do ours. And we fucking actually do work! Damn it! Dammit!!! Would you fucking want to handle a dozen stores with people from the other coys whom you do not know at all??? Huh!!!!???? And get the fucking cold shoulder all the time??? Fuck. I'm so damn pissed sometimes. Now I am.

I have not taken a SINGLE BLOODY MC OR LEAVE... and I have not taken an off for a very bloody long time... for preparations for this huge event which lasted what... 3 or 4 days? Fuck! When someone takes a half day off on a Friday afternoon of all days so that he can have a long weekend, do you hear me complaining? It's your own off... you can do whatever fuck you want with it. And I will do whatever else I want with mine. I know I have too many offs to count but it is a result of doing a lot of shit for others do you all know??? I have not missed being at a single function ever since I arrived in this bloody camp do you all know? And I always try to help as much as I can... running from place to place like some mad man lunatic loon.

Grrrrrrrr...... fuck.It just makes me so mad. And someone actually told me not to take the 2 days of off given from my superior if I wanted them to believe that we as a team actually did work, as in menial work. As a retaliation. Wtf. If they had so many objections to the matter, why did they not raise it up at last parade when our superior actually asked if they had anything to say about it??? Why? Oh... I get it. They think that we are being protected by our superior(s) right? That we are little ducklings hiding under the huge wing of our father duck. That with one fell swoop will just brush off all opposition. I don't get it... Why this image? I mean... We stayed up till nearly midnight that night... those in the bunk bore witness to this definitely? That we didn't come up till only at midnight? Also, why are those with no appointments not facing this same problem? They have no job!!! Contrary to us who have a job ... and people choose to believe that this job is not 'work' in their dictionaries.

And this morning really really pissed me off. My superior went to the office to find out that certain people were not there. 'Dancing' apparently. If I were him, I would have been pissed too. Those who were supposed to go for the run were not there. Especially this particular piece of glob who claimed that it was difficult to wake up early because... they were tired. He spoke for them and I'm not sure that everyone agreed. Tired is one thing yes. But laziness is another. They are not the same!!! Geddit! He dared to speak against an order... They will get it from me if they show this same attitude towards me or any of the specs or any of the senior specs or to any officers. Especially to the officers.

Anger. Anger. Anger. Grrrrrrrr...

I suspect that one of the problems is that there is too much friendliness going around between everyone. Too many people calling each other by familiar names... and not by ranks. Ranks have to be respected in the army. And too many vulgarities are spoken within the office like they were some everyday word you would use like 'you' and 'I'. A sentence would suddenly end with a 'fuck' or a question would be denoted by the increase in tone of the last word which would usually be 'fuck' or an exclamation would be sufficient as an exclamation with the use of 'fuck!'. Wtf. There is a lady in the office for God's sake and there are people of higher ranks in the office!!! I've told the glob so many many times already not to use vulgarities but he never learns. I give up.

In fact, I give up in trying to use my energies to help other people and their problems. I have too many of my own to cope with with no one helping me. I can no longer be bothered to be remotely interested in another person's problems unless they were my best buds in the world. It's too much for me to handle... First - not being recognized for doing actual work and secondly of being accused of not wanting to help when I simply cannot be bothered... Why? Because they will just turn against me again as usual and all past deeds will be forgotten.

What the heck... A friend told me that some things won't hurt you (as much) if you don't mind it. It's becoming too difficult to have such a mindset. In fact, it's impossible. I want so much to scream at all of them for being so lax and indifferent about anything that goes on in the office. For talking back to people. Simply disrespectful. Bloody rude. For not respecting ranks. I'm not one to bother with ranks but some people just deserve it seriously... Shout: What the fuck do you all think you're doing!!!??? But come on... We are all mature adults. Able to talk about this in a mature manner. Bring it on then.

The End...

Of Beautiful Illusions on Channel 8!!! Superb series though I thought the plot was a bit too contrived to be realistic... I mean come on. How can 1 girl without the help of others think of such a sadistic scheme to plot against 1 person's whole family!? But I must say that the show was ingenious. The plot was like wow...! And the actors and actresses are in a league of their own! This series had like some of the best acting I've ever seen on Channel 8! Fann Wong was incredibly believable as her turns as Joanne and Yixin... The transition was faultless... And her ability to act is totally evident in this show... :)

I'm not very familiar with the other faces in the show but they were all great! The girl who played Xiaofen was pretty good at acting kaypoh and really started getting very irritating when she wouldn't stop talking :P And the guy playing Fann Wong's brother was pretty good too... And the scary thing was that he was taking law at NUS. And that caused him to go totally berserk over his sister... And intentionally kill Xiaofen. He was studying to be a lawyer... At least he should have the common sense to think that something would happen to him if he did (even if accidentally) kill Xiaofen, Hua and Sheng's mom... :P Would I go crazy when studying for me law exams??? :P

Anyways, great show! And Amazing Race ended on Wednesday too... :-( Superb show again. Always wanted Uchenna and Joyce to win... And they did!!! And that taxi driver at Miami could have cost them their win!!!???? Stupid american cabbie drivers... They should have just run and finished the game then go back to the cabbie to pay the guy... Hope NY drivers are not as demanding as that guy...

A New-Found Identity

Yay! I'm officially a VT member!!! Under the nickname of what else but rafflifantome!!! :) This new group was introduced to my via a member under the nickname of leonik. Thanks! :)

Friday was my official first VT meeting with the others at the Tiong Bahru Market Place and Hawker center :P and it was a very eye-opening experience. People sharing experiences about countries other than Singapore and just talking about their lives in general... And I'm officially now the youngest one among them... Before it was leonik... Sigh :P I was damn tired after work but the prospect of meeting other people other than my own friends and my camp mates! :P

After that we went to the Bali Village, situated next to SAJC and I had my very first mocktail - seabreeze! Very nice! :) Unfortunately I didn't bring my camera around to snap shots of everything so that was a pity but :) it was an enjoyable experience nonetheless.

Saturday was the day we were to have a trek through the Nature Trail at MacRitchie to cross the HSBC Canopy Walk suspension bridge!!! :) Exhilarating! I met up with the other VTers and were all totally super nice to me! :P Got pics for the trip... You guys can visit the pics at the following page :P

Thanks leonik for introducing me to the world of VT. May there be many more such enjoyable VT outings... PS: So sorry this entry was late. I have been a bit too busy as of late and do not have the time to update my blog as often as I want to... Sorry guys! :P