I'm positively mad (and maybe even gay!! - more on that later...) Lately, I've been talking a lot to myself. Not really vocally as in using my mouth to make strange inexlicable sounds to myself in the mirror but through my phone. Calling myself? Nah. That would be too weird to comprehend. What I mean is that I've been SMS-ing myself amusing things that do nothing else but to amuse myself and to remain in my inbox so that I can refer to them when I'm feeling down. Some of the things I sent are like 4 SMS-es long! And they either explain a feeling I'm experiencing at that particular moment or just a little thought that came to my head out of boredom. I sent myself 4 such messages today and 1 on the 10th of March. To see a bit of what goes on in my little head, here are the messages in full, grammatical and spelling errors et al. Peruse at will and judge how strange I am. That I would even send messages to myself. Which reminds me of Mr Bean sending Christmas Cards to himself=Pathetic loser. Am I becoming one too???? :O Oh no...
1 March 2005 (6:54:29am --> Mad)
Sometimes in this world, you must learn to hope. Even if you stand a bloody slim chance of achieving whatever it is. For example, exams. After you've slogged for many fucking months, it's nice to see your efforts bear fruit in the form of good grades. But that is rare in my case. Hope has always been there to let that glimmer of light show that I can do well, the potential. I was aghast when I found out I failed malay lit during my prelims.
(Note: I probably was supposed to complete this entry in another SMS but seem to have forgotten about it because after this, short messages between myself and a few of my friends follow. You can guess what type of banter I would have engaged myself in.)
15 March 2005 (10:49:19am --> During break)
Life has taken a downhill slant. The constant replay of daily events create a sense of monotony, one that has affected my emotions negatively. I look dismal, with the occasional smile displayed as artifice. A mere showing that i am not dead. ;-) and events unfold at a super slow pace so much so that time does not seem to move. The heat is not helping either, making me wet all the time from sweat. Freshly bathed does not repel the stench, i know. :-P
15 March 2005 (11:14:52am --> Still during break)
Life is fraught with difficulty. But the adversity of life is what creates interest. In the form of ingenious (sp?) plans to overcome them, man has evolved from the petty being that depended solely on nature, to that that can harness everything to their own advantage.
(Note: I love this thing. It came out out of nowhere. And it sounds very nice. The meaning too has some truth, at least in my opinion.)
15 March 2005 (08:07:48pm --> After dinner with 2 of my best mates)
And once again I have been proven wrong. I do have good friends who are willing to listen to my problems, willing to utter their opinions about me. They say it to my face and i am glad they act this way. Their honest remarks come out of sincerity, out of a willingness to partake in a small part of my life, and they are anything but negligible. language is something that i consider my forte and i have honed my speech to not have a single tinge of a malay accent from 4 years in secondary school. But somehow or rather, apparently, they (the) way i speak and the high tone i use, have garnered me the label 'gay'.
(Note: The controversial one. I'm still not very sure why this label sticks but I have ascertained that part of the reason is the way I speak. Not sure if I speak funny but it definitely has a part in this stupid hullabaloo. I am not gay. Serious. Possibly another reason is the way my hands move. Or my body. Or both. Sigh. I do not know and I do not want to change myself. I cannot change myself. It is against my principles. It's up to them to accept me or reject me. And I don't even know what they mean when they call me that. Sexual orientation or effeminate in nature??? Fuck. I don't care.)
15 March 2005 (08:24:55pm --> On the bus on the way home)
Lonely.
I am a pebble in the grass.
The grey among the green.
The miscast dilletante in a sordid world that only seeks to destroy.
Or am i the one?
Who will seek to destroy those who wish to do so?
To wreak havoc in peace.
To strum the silent strings of a guitar?
Questions. With answers unknown.
(Note: An attempt to sound intellectual. Don't think it sounds and looks nice enough. But what it essentially encompasses is a single question. Is the world out to get me or will I get the world first? It sounds negative in this context but I meant to mean that I will make a mark on the world, that is before the world starts to destroy me with its malicious lies and what-have-you.)