Today, I spent most of the time moping around lifelessly with a humourless face, wallowing in the murky depths of inexplicable sadness and a strangely empty feeling inside. Depression again my friends told me. And now I have found out that I frequently talk in my sleep, whenever I sleep in my bunk. I utter utter nonsense. Stuff like "I don't know Sir!", "I REALLY don't know Sir!", "No no no!" and "It's my fault?" Stupid nonsensical stuff like this goes on each night apparently. It amuses me that I actually think about Army crap in my dreams and my arms actually move around during these bouts of conversing with my thoughts. But one of my best friends is beginning to get really worried about me. He thinks that I'm suffering from too much stress. Stress. And he really understands me quite well. I'm beginning to think that he is right.
My head continually hurts all day long and a pimple just emerged last night on my forehead. It's making the headaches worse. Much as amusing as that sounds, it's slowly hurting more and more each day, each time I'm given something to do. Each time I'm told I'm in charge of something. I hate it when my superiors tell me "blah blah blah... I'm putting you in charge". I hate it even more when they tell me (actually it's just 1 person) 1 day in advance. Or even a few hours before the thing. It's so damn fucking irritating. But ironically, it hurts me most when they tell me a few weeks or months in advance that I'm in charge of something. "We'll be having an exercise next month. I'm putting you in charge of everything." Fuck. Something then happens in my head that sends a painful shock to my heart. And everything works together to create this huge headache that throbs in my head.
I hate my life. My life as a subservient bastard who cannot refuse anything. On the way back home today from camp, I started sobbing silently as I tried to recall anything whereby I refused to do something. I cannot. Even in school, when the teacher gives a piece of work that has to be done by the next day, I would not protest at all and would do it diligently even if it took me way past midnight to finish it. And I would usually be the only one to finish and hand it in. In school, I purposely created this veneer of invincibility around me such that in whatever CCA or club that I was in, I made sure that I wouldn't stand out. I would sit at the back. Listen quietly to the meetings being held. Keep quiet when they voiced out the need for questions from the rest of the group. Then leave. That's me.
That's how I would have wanted to be in the Army. But fuck. I'm given this fuck job. Actually I'm not the only 1 being chosen to be in charge of all these things. I know the rest are given these things too. But I somehow feel that it is totally fucking unfair. Just because I am new and meek, it does not mean that you can bully me. Yes. That's the feeling. The feeling of being bullied. It's the same thing. How do I know? Because I was bullied quite a lot in school. Made fun of. Teased of. But I tried to block out all that by studying really hard, and coming out tops in most of everything I did. Even managed to beat all my cousins and past family generations by going to a top school, getting good grades and going to university (going in 2006 in the law faculty), the 1st one in the whole family to even do that. But in the army I cannot block out all these things. They linger in my mind all the time because I stay in the office obssessed with finishing work which I never manage to finish because I have other stupid things in my mind, all running on together with datelines in my head. The green uniform is a fitting reminder of that which cannot be erased. The green. Ugh. So disgustingly green.
This is so depressing. Even typing this out in my comfy home is depressing. But I feel that I have to pen down my feelings for today. If not, there will be no outlet for these manic feelings in my mind. Maybe in my sleep. And I'm quite frightened by what I can actually do in my sleep if not looked after by my bunk mates. I had really sickening thoughts while showering at home after I came back. Things that concerned height, a sharp blade and even some stairs. I don't think I'll say what these things are about but I really cannot stand the fucking army life anymore.
And I know I cannot stop being in the army until I bloody ORD. I'm stuck in a muddy quicksand pit. Going down. With nothing to support an escape. I hate the thought of me rotting to death in an institution that is concerned with appeasing the higher achelons of the army and seemingly, in my opinion, that being its only purpose for its existance. We as the lower classes are seemingly chosen to serve. Not the nation. But the people who are of higher ranks than us. And these people can be oh so cocky. You greet them and they flit their bloody eyes thinking we're not there, that we're just the fucking air that provides them the comfort they need, turn their bloody heads to the side and walk by. It's just so exasperating. I really cannot stand such ignorance. I know it is like every male teen's thought that the army sucks big time. But can't they fucking change some things that are making it such a bad experience for everyone?
Sigh. I really don't know what can improve things. Perhaps see a psychologist like what my good friend suggested? Or maybe I can see a doctor to ask for relaxants? I do tend to exxagerate things to such a large extent that I surprise myself with the thoughts I come up with. Something as simple as moving benches and tables will become this mega huge project involving like 10 people. Sigh. I suck. Either that or my life sucks. Sucks because of the people sculpting it, I apparently have no hand in it.
