Over the past few days... I've been encountering a problem. Depression. It looms its face every morning in a green form. Full of green, while it robeth itself onto me. Every morning. In the mirror. It's not the extreme kind though. It's just a moody thing. I'd sit at one corner of the room and become reclusive for a while, not speaking a word to anyone. Or I'd go to my store, close the door, switch on the lights and stare into blankness for about 2-3 hours. I did that yesterday. I was so damn sad. I'm not sure why though. My heart felt so heavy yesterday and I didn't feel like communicating with anyone at all. And when I woke up yesterday to go to camp (having been granted stay out for the day before), I just didn't want to leave my bed. I contemplated reporting sick. I contemplated AWOL. I contemplated jumping down from somewhere so I won't have to report into camp. Contemplations but thankfully not acted upon. All these thoughts kept swirling in my head all morning. I couldn't stop thinking depressing thoughts. Perhaps if I say what's been bothering me, it could help. Haiz... Sigh.
Responsibility has never really been my thing. I hate the thought of it. Never actually ever been given an important task before in my life, being in the army is a whole new world. Please don't butcher Aladdin. It's nothing, nothing similar to that beautiful world in that movie. It is worlds worst. Responsibility is a big thing. It is one of the things that builds a person's character. But if you're given at least one responsibility every day and are given a time limit, it kinda sucks. I keep getting chosen by my superiors to do this and do that. They'd smile and say that they're putting me in charge. Crap. I hate that feeling. You're put in charge of something. You don't know anything. I just hate that feeling. And it happens over and over again. Sometimes, I just felt like shouting at them then I don't want no fucked up task. No not me. Put someone else in charge I beg of you!!!
But no. They choose me. They have at least 4 other choices. But they keep choosing me. And I have a feeling that it will go on until the end of my NS tenureship. That thought... It kept me awake for nights and days... And it occupied my mind for most mornings... and usually days as well. Getting chosen while others are not. They look free I'm not. I know it's wrong to compare. One of my close friends in my department... I smsed to her that I wanted to either post out or ask for overseas attachment. She was not in the camp at that moment and she panicked a while. So did another friend from STC I smsed. I just felt so lonely yesterday. Dunno why. I share my problems with only a few people in this world. Even my parents don't know how depressed I am about the army. Serious. Only my closest friends do. Also, many of those I'm close to in the department are going away soon, ording. I will still be there for a year and 6 months. I don't know what I'll do without them. I cannot imagine a department without them. Also, I cannot stand a few people in the department. I shall not disclose their names but I just cannot stand them. They irritate me like mad, they irk me like mad. I cannot stand working with them anymore. Which prompted the posting out/overseas attachment thing.
The lady in my department... she told me that given a task is actually a good thing. It shows that my superiors trust me. Trust is a great thing in the army. It's like a luxury. Not many people can be depended upon to do certain things. But I just couldn't see it her way. I just felt being 'arrowed' for everything but for no reason other than it being convenient. They know I won't retaliate. They know I won't object. I'm the submissive kind. Sorry sorry. That's all I know what to say. There was this day when I called a 3SG into the office to sign a piece of paper that was kinda important. I asked him nicely to sign. He fucking shouted into my ear.
WHY?????? Why must I sign?
Sorry. I'm not sure. But could you sign anyway? It's kinda important. [superior's name] instructions.
BUT WHY MUST I SIGN?
Then my friends came in to help. I already felt like crying. I was not doing anything to this bastard but the bastard insisted on shouting, as if I was deaf. When I told him the contents of the paper, he said "I KNOW. I CAN READ". Cibai. Then why the fuck are you asking me why you must fucking sign the fucking paper!!!!????? Cibai. FUCK FUCK FUCK. Oh then you're a big fuck. Able to read. Fuck you.
Then when I'm out. I always feel so self-conscious. Not sure why. Always feel like that there are people staring and scrutinizing, laughing at my inability to assimilate into society seamlessly. Laughing. Whenever I hear a giggle, a snigger, a laugh... I always feel that they are doing so at me. Laughing at my stupid insecurities. Laughing at how I look. How I'm putting up a pretense for the sake of survival. Inevitably, I hardly look up now to look at people. I bow my face low as if in shame, as if I'm a slave to the workings of a society I cannot belong in, no matter how hard I try. I drag my feet like I have no purpose in life. Which is kinda true right now. I don't care what other people think but when I'm alone and I have no thoughts in my head, my insecurities step in. These thoughts that people might be thinking of me.
I don't know. I'm feeling rather disillusioned about life right now. It's fully occupied with NS and I'm not enjoying a single moment and I cannot imagine living like this for 1 year 6 months anymore. I'd rather not be living.
Thank God I have good friends. Friends willing to listen. Friends wanting to lend a hand when in need. Without them, I believe I'll just die a sorry death. I've got a family yes... but I do not want them to know my problems. They have enough of their own to bother with mine. Friends. I really cannot live without them. I can't even be bothered to think of my future now. There's no security in that. I live for the present now. As long as I have friends, I can survive. I will live through this. NS. Life. Shit.
